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…between nowhere & goodbye

if you are not mine, as no one owns no one …. then i ought to shield my heart from pain…

If you are not destined for my heart to love till the end, as my heart constantly struggles for…. then i had better close its door

if you will not be there at the end of this road i am taking…. then i must stop walking knowing that all my efforts are in vain…

but to walk i must do….

down to that path of uncertainty…

to that path of forgetting …

to that path that mends a broken heart that had loved so much…

…. and amidst all the questions left still unanswered

…. of all the many thoughts i still want to share to you

…. and of the many happiness that would not be given the chance to bloom…

… to walk i must endure and to suffer i will

till i find that place

…somewhere between nowhere and goodbye

and maybe … only maybe

hoping against hope…

… my heart shall then find its final place of rest…

… from you…

-Villa Sampaguita, Antipolo Rizal,

08/15/09 -11:23 pm

Thinking of you over a cup of coffee…

* To you my partner in crime….

Can happiness be all so true,
For a heart that has loved and lost?
Or to rise with the winds of a rainbow sky
And worship the moon and the stars?

As myriads of soft gentle raindrops fell through the thatched ends
Here I am ensconced on a solitary chair
Lavishing in the comfort of my sacred sanctuary
With my bed unfixed, clutter everywhere


As I listen to the throbbing of my heart
While I savor the taste of my own cup of coffee
With every sip though, I am falling into you
Flooding my mind with unremembered thoughts
In a time and space unbeknownst to us


You are that lone star that shines brightly in my own universe
Yet I cannot reach you
You are there in my heart like a treasure …
Yet I cannot own you …
It’s your heart that cannot be mine…

I do love you
In a way I never expected I could possibly do
But why is it that I cannot find in your eyes
Sparks that say, somehow, you do love and care for me too…


Maybe I am blind not to see it
or too preoccupied by fear …
Fear that someday …
In the vastness of the night …
You will be gone … out of my sight …
out of my reach … out of my life …


I really hate to lose you
The very idea frightens me
For to think of a life without you
Is to think a life of emptiness
A world of abandoned splendor and of broken promises

It is only in my self-created world that together we stay
There I find comfort, there lies no fear
But then again I will fly above the sky of suffering,
In this black universe of pain
If that’s what it takes to prove to the world
How I love you next to forever.

And so, here I am imprisoned into the labyrinth of pixilated dreams
Engulfed in a sea of bittersweet memories
Of you being there, and I spending time with you
And even though memories may fade
As days pass through the night
You will always be that someone I will cherish till eternity
For I know that I will never meet …
That I will never find …
That I will never have …
Another you in this lifetime

So how can I forget you?
It is not for me to say,
For my forever will always be you
And you will always be within my heart till forever…

(Written while nursing my hangover over a cup of coffee after one hell of a of a drinking session on a Christmas night - 12/26/08, 6:49 am)

An Unsent Letter to Someone…

To you…

I know you’d be surprised to read this letter. I am banking that my riendship coupons with you will save me from your damnation after reading through this.

Let me start by saying that you will always be a dear friend to me no matter what.

I think that for the last months we have shared a
certain kind of bond more than a superficial friendship requires. If only for
that, it is sad to spoil everything. But I will do you and myself greater
injustice if I kept my heart out of sight forever. I am not greatly acquainted
with opening my heart to someone, or skilled at saying and phrasing things
nicely, or adept at recognizing the perfect timing. Maybe I shall charge them to experience later.

I do have this to say: I like you very much. It
transcends friendship. It surges forth when giddiness subsides and when mere infatuation ebbs.

In the world’s parlance, I am falling in love with you. When
I look for reasons, I can come up with a myriad of them, from the most trivial to the profound. You are a great person, outside and inside. But mostly I like you for your character and a lot of things you stand for.

The rest of my feelings can no longer be explained so I am beginning to conclude that maybe, love goes beyond logic. I do feel happy and blissful spending time with you and exchanging trivial and deep things with you. And I don’t want it to ever end.

I hope this is not scary for you as it is for me. I know, suddenly I got so serious and you do not know me like that. That is why it is easier for me to write it. Somehow, I suspect that you know my feelings for you. I know this is such a cowardly way of expressing it but I feel that it is the best for me. I am afraid that I might get so darned serious and you may laugh at me, and I would not know how to react. Worst of all, I may not be able
to say anything at all due to panic. If this does not suit you, I hope you will
forgive me and consider this an unwise move from somebody uninitiated.

Estimating how you know me, I think you’ll laugh. I’m even smiling now that I’ve written the serious part. I guess I’m attempting to bring whatever I feel for you into another dimension. And whatever will become of it, I want you to know that I will always be that somebody who will be there for you when you need a pair of ears, a clown, a drinking buddy … or just another person
to be next to you when you don’t want to be alone.

I love you, my friend…..

From Me…

11/2/2008

Blindness…

He is everything.

I love his face.

I love his smile.

I love the way his eyes sparkle whenever he thinks of something mischievous to do or to say.

I love his hair … I love running my fingers through each tendril. I love how his hair smells so damn good.

I love how he looks like he’s just woken up from some bizarre party and is still ready for another one. He either looks like he’s too giddy or that he’s just woken up and has a terrible hangover.

I love the way he looks at me as if he’s forever teasing me for being me. As if he knows what I’m thinking and what I’m about to do.

I love his hands, those hands I know so well.

I love his scent, the way I could still smell him even when he’s already miles away from me.

I love the way his clothes hang onto him like they were made to be worn by someone like he is.

I love his voice that always reassures me everything is going to be alright.

I love his unpredictable mood swings. Sometimes he’s too jolly and too hyper and so everywhere. And sometimes he’s locked himself up in a place only he could go to.

I love his generosity and carefree attitude about life. I could safely say I learned to be less inhibited because of him.

I love the way he looks on things about life. The way he reasoned with me and the way he accepts reasons from me.

I love his passion for things I don’t understand. I love the way he loves the people around him, how he gives them importance and warmth.

I love the way he loves his music, oh God, how could I begin to explain how much he cherishes his passion for music? Like the way he let loose of himself while his guitar gently weeps…

I love how he thinks of himself as a nobody, when in fact; he’s pretty much popular and well-liked.

I love how he takes his responsibilities seriously, how he manages to be a good friend, a good son and a good person all at the same time.

I love the way he tells me how he loves his family so much.

I love the way he makes me feel appreciated in his own little ways and for accepting me as who I am what I am with him.

I love the fact that we could sit beside each other and not to say anything but understand everything.

I love a lot more things about him. I love him for what he is and what he’s not.

He is everything … the greatest thing that happens to my life …

Oh yes … for me he is everything….

Everything … but he cannot be mine …

-= November 5, 2008 =-

Oration Piece for 3rd grading period

The Death Penalty

by Victor Hugo

There is one abiding constant in the criminal law. A principle that is both universal and unquestioned. The rule that criminal defendants are entitled to the presumption of innocence unless otherwise their guilt can be proven by preponderance of evidences beyond any reasonable amount of doubt.

This is a difficult undertaking for you, here present, ladies and gentlemen. But this is a very important task. We do not want an innocent person to suffer or be wrongly imprisoned or worse be executed and his precious life be terminated, just because of a wrongful conviction.

I understand that prudence and reason will compel each and every one of you to condemn and to punish whosoever committed this crime. But, ladies and gentlemen, in fulfilling this mission of convicting the offender, you must not punish the innocent one. For to do so would be to perpetuate an injustice more atrocious than the crime itself.

GENTLEMEN OF THEJURY, there sits an innocent man.

And if there is a culprit here, it is not my son—it is myself — it is I.

I, who for these last twenty-five years have opposed capital Punishment — have contended for the inviolability of human life — have committed this crime, for which my son is now arraigned.

Here I denounce myself, Mr. Judge Advocate General!

I have committed it under all aggravated circumstances — deliberately, repeatedly, tenaciously. Yes, this old and absurd lex talionis — this law of blood for blood — I have combated all my life—all my life, gentlemen of the jury! And, while I have breath, I will continue to combat it, by all my efforts as a writer, by all my words and all my votes as a legislator!

I declare it before the crucifix; before that victim of the penalty of death, who sees and hears us; before that gibbet, to which, two thousand years ago, for the eternal instruction of the generations, the human law nailed the Divine!

Ladies and gentlemen, with all reverence to truth, with all honesty and sincerity, in all that my son has written on the subject of capital punishment — and for writing and publishing which he is now before you on trial — in all that he has written, he has merely proclaimed the sentiments with which, from his infancy, I have inspired him to believe..

Gentlemen jurors, the right to criticize a law, and to criticize it severely — especially a penal law — is placed beside the duty of amelioration, like a torch beside the work under the artisan’s hand. This right of the journalist is as sacred, as necessary, and as imprescriptible, as the right of the legislator.

What are the circumstances then?

A man, a convict, a sentenced wretch, is dragged, on a certain morning, to one of our public squares.

There he finds the scaffold!

As a natural instinct, he shudders, he struggles, he refuses to die. The victim clings to the scaffold and shrieks for pardon. His clothes are torn—his shoulders bloody—still he resists.

At length, after three quarters of an hour of this monstrous effort, of this spectacle without a name, of this agony, after this age of anguish, gentlemen of the jury, they reinforced, drag forth the wretch again, they pull him forward, haggard, bloody, weeping, pleading, howling for life — calling upon God, calling upon his father and mother — for like a very child had this man become in the prospect of death — they set him forth to execution. There to that guillotine. He is hoisted on to the scaffold, and his head falls! And then through every conscience runs a shudder.

May he rest in Peace.

And now let me ask you Gentlemen Jurors: What have we here to chew upon?

Gentlemen here gathered, listen to the voice of justice and reason. It cries out to you that in all fairness and equality, these scenes of death, these pictures of dreadful agony under the guillotine painted with so much ceremony, are nothing but cowardly assassinations, nothing but dismal crimes committed not by individuals but by an entire nation which by virtue of unjustifiable misconception, attempted to legislate morality.

Honorable gentlemen, the imposition of the penalty of death gives society the unmistakable message that human life no longer deserves respect when it is useful to take it and that murder is legitimate when deemed justified by pragmatic concerns.

Indeed, never had legal murder appeared with an aspect so indecent, so abominable. And feel jointly implicated in the deed.

It is at this very moment that from a young man’s breast escaped a cry, wrung from his very heart, a cry of pity and of anguish, a cry of horror, a cry of humanity.

And this very cry, this very cry of reason, would you punish, Gentlemen Jurors?

In the sanity of your conscience, I hope you will not.

And in the face of these appalling facts which I have narrated in this honorable court, you would say then to the guillotine “Thou art right” and to pity, saintly pity, “Thou art wrong”.

Gentlemen of the Jury, this cannot be!

A decent and humane society does not deliberately kill human beings. Free countries are those where the inalienable rights of man as promulgated within the letters of the Constitution are respected and where, consequently, the laws and punishments are humane and just.

Gentlemen Jurors, in the light of all these arguments I have presented to you, may you find the courage to do what is right.

Find my son not guilty!

Set free that innocent man!

Gentlemen, I have finished.

An idiot’s guide to love

(written by an idiot for my fellow idiots)

Only you can say what love really is for you, but then maybe I can help you define it by telling you what I believe it is not.
Despite what most people think, love isn’t selfless. You don’t love for the sake of other people. All emotions are selfish, self-centered. No one can force you to feel anything other than what you really feel. Emotions never lie, people just misinterpret or disregard them.

Love can’t be "learned". You can’t "learn to love" someone you don’t love. You just delude yourself into liking them.

Love isn’t alms. You don’t love someone because you feel sorry for them. That’s not love. That’s just pity.

Love isn’t need. It’s not love when you expect the other person to fill a gap in your life. If that need disappears or is filled by something or someone else, then the supposed "love" disappears too.

If you love someone because you want security or happiness or contentment from him or her, you’re not going to get those things if they’re not within you in the first place.

Love isn’t "completion". You’re already complete as you are, you just need to discover and acknowledge it. It’s not love if you think you need someone to feel complete. If that feeling doesn’t come from you, you’re not going to get it anywhere else.

Love isn’t just a "feeling". It is both felt and known. Your emotion and reason must be in sync. "Love" without reason is just lust or shallow attraction. "Love" without emotion is simply justification and rationalization.

Love isn’t just in the present. You have to love who that person was and who that person will be.
Love isn’t supposed to drive you crazy. It’s not supposed to wreak havoc on your life. It’s supposed to inspire you into being the best possible version of yourself.

Enough…

I’ve had enough.

No, don’t try to reason with me, this is too much.

I will try not to think of you when I wake up in the morning and ask myself if somehow you are also awake. I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of.

No, I won’t even think of you while I’m eating my lunch wondering if you’re doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in just to have some privacy to piteously think of you, and to cry my emotions away.

And no, never will I again think of you last when I go to sleep. Sleep is my only rest, so please don’t plague me in my dreams.

I am moving on.

I’ll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left but that once you stayed.

And if I feel the need to cry, it will not be for the future that we could have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that I feel, but I will cry because of a love that I never was able to share with the one man I felt it for.

I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the man who left.

I will give my affections to any man who is in need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you.

I will give him the love that you never wanted … my heart that I so longed to give you … and the words that once was yours. Worthy or not worthy of it, at least he’s here, you’re not.

I’ll try to hold back the tears when I think of you.

I’ll just try to smile.

I am moving on…

… and hoping that the next thing would be letting you go.

                                                      

                                            5/8/08

The best thing that ever happened to me….

The best thing that
ever happened to me…

 
This is what I think
of you. But of course, this barely covers the surface of the brimming stream of
wonderful thoughts I have of you. I know that words will never be enough to
describe the effect that you have forever made in my otherwise drab life. Still
I will share random thoughts of you that repeatedly crosses my consciousness
like the swell and ebb of tides, forever shifting yet always there in the ocean
of my mind.

Now that I have met you, I couldn’t
imagine my life without you being a part of it. We might have met by chance, by
some accident even, but I will be perpetually grateful that fate has decided to
bring our lives into a crossroad that I never knew ever existed. When I think
about it, life’s most pleasing moments are those that are least expected, much
less planned. I never expected that I would meet someone that would even come
close to who you are and I never planned of falling for the person that you are
after I have met you. But then again, love has its own reasons and you are
every reason why I am in love.

Love for me is the feeling of peace
that I get whenever you are near me. It is the way my day lights up every time
you look at me and smile. It is the excitement I get every time I get a whiff
of your scent. It is the amazement I feel whenever I stand witness to your musical
skill. It is the way I worry about you every time I am not around to look after
you. It is the way I miss you so every time you cross my mind. It is the ease
that I feel whenever we talk, like we have known each other forever. It is the
way my heart skips a beat whenever I see you, even if I see you almost
everyday. It is the feeling I get that life is special simply by knowing that
you are part of it. It is the feeling of contentment that overcomes me every
time I am with you, a feeling I know no other being can give me.

You were the only person who made me
feel the way I do now. I find it hard to imagine that somebody else will invoke
these same feelings in me the way you have. This is why I will forever hope
that fate will turn the crossroad where we met into a singular passage for the
two of us to journey together in the future. For we are free to dream and to
hope, and for now, these are the things that continually inspire me in times of
uncertainty.

 

3/13/2008 – 10:16 in the evening

Goodbye…..

I choose to love you
in silence… For in silence I receive no rejection

Nor
should I bother of what it is that prevents us from being together - it’s just
that we can never be together.

I choose to love you in
loneliness… For in loneliness, no one owns you but I.

I choose to adore you from a
distance… For distance will shield us from pain.

Still,
I love you and I just can’t help but do so…

I choose to kiss you in the wind for
the wind is gentler than my lips

I choose to hold you in my dreams…
For in my dreams, you have no end.

Forever…

That is what you are to me.

In all honesty, I find it hard to
believe that I will ever love somebody the same way I loved you.

Thanks for the experience; I loved it
while it lasted. I can’t help but smile during those times that you threw me
out of focus - those times that you made me panic as to what I could do just to
appease your heart or those moments when you will just look at me and all I can
do in return is just to smile….

Thanks for all the times you smiled
back, made those funny faces, commented on things, and wasted your free text
messages on me and all the small things that you did. For without them, I may
have not even been sure that I really loved you.

Thanks for those times that you
almost destroyed my sanity. For all those sleepless nights of just thinking of
you and crying out my emotions away…. I always knew it was done for anyway….

But … maybe its time to give up
this emotion…

Sometimes love they say is a bittersweet
attachment to someone who’ll never be yours…

And maybe Love is something we will
never have… something we’ll never experience

and this makes goodbye seems inevitable …

I must admit it may take an eternity
to forget someone like you…

or maybe I may never forget you at all …

But I’ll try …

if that is the only way I
can move on…..

If this is the only way I can go on
with my life…

5/1/08 - 1:23 am

marchthirtyfirst

… we always dream of finding that special person who will have that unique kind of magic of making our hearts smile in a manner that no other individual can…. i think i have already found him and he will be forever locked inside my heart … and he will always be special to me …